processing infidelity
Infidelity is an issue which impacts a large percentage of couples in committed relationships. Even back in the 50s, the Kinsey Reports suggested that extramarital sex was more common than sex before marriage. While that data has likely flipped since then with more open sexual norms, the incidence of infidelity has certainly remained. Obviously, infidelity can create painful trauma to those involved and I want to honor their experience. My focus with this article however, is to suggest healthy ways for couples to process their feelings and practical ways to help them move forward. I will deconstruct the historic narrative around infidelity, discuss ways to identify the root cause, and provide tips to help you navigate the next steps in your recovery process. Before we continue though, let's be clear on one thing--there is no next step until both partners in the relationship decide they want to reconcile.
rethinking the cultural narrative on infidelity
Once both partners are genuinely and equally committed to reconciliation, it's wise to find a professional couples coach or therapist as a neutral coach to guide them through the process. One of the first and most relevant questions professionals like myself will ideally ask is how each partner personally defines the concepts of a committed relationship, exclusivity, and infidelity. Often, these candid conversations about each partner's assumptions have never taken place and they are not on the same page with what these concepts actually mean. In the context of these conversations, it's also a great time for each partner to take an honest look at external impressions on their stances. For example, do they have cultural, religious, or family of origin baggage with these concepts? If so, are they open to challenging those biases to align and move forward together? After all, what society considers "normal" when it comes to relationships and sex is often outdated and does not matter in the context of each relationship. The important thing is what concepts such as exclusivity mean to the couple and what they want out of the relationship. As long as the couple is on the same page with what they want out of the relationship and are aligned on the definitions of commitments they have made, external opinions are irrelevant.
affairs don't happen in a vacuum
Unfortunately, many of us have seen good marriages end simply because the couple was stuck in a blame and shame cycle. Not to condone the Betrayer (partner who took the action outside of the agreed upon relationship commitment), but it is important to set boundaries in the recovery process to allow the couple a constructive way forward. Without these boundaries established, retaliation or inappropriate behavior can often occur as a reaction to the pain the Betrayed is feeling. Therefore, when both partners in the couple agree to reconcile after infidelity, there needs to be an understanding that affairs do not happen in a vacuum. Per Dr. Marty Klein's Infidelity webinar clip below, neither partner now "owns" the relationship; the couple must acknowledge shared responsibility for where they are, the root issues occurring which need to be addressed, and achieve consensus on the type of relationship they want to have. Returning to the status quo by simply forgiving and trying to move on is not a viable option for success. Change is necessary, and this often involves work on a couples' sex life. Now is the time for couples to have those honest conversations about each other's desires and expectations when it comes to sex. A great place to start is with Justin Lehmiller's Tell Me What You Want, a book that helps readers better understand their own sexual desires and how to attain them within their relationships, yet also appreciate why the desires of their partners may be so incredibly different.
co-creating a new relationship agreement
Once the consensus discussed above on the type of relationship the couple wants to have is achieved, it's time to sit down and co-create a new relationship agreement. As unromantic as it sounds, the fights and future misunderstandings this exercise will save you is worth its weight in gold. I go more into details on the process of creating an effective relationship agreement in The Study, but at a minimum you will want to capture the following when building a future after infidelity:
How do you both agree to define commitment, exclusivity, infidelity. Be as specific as possible so you are on the same page moving forward.
What is your shared vision for the relationship? What type of relationship do you specifically want to have? What does that look like in 1, 5, 10 years?
What do you both agree to change?
What are the expectations around sex in the relationship (desire, frequency, lifestyle, etc.)
That’s What She Said
In summary, how much people love each other unfortunately does not predict relationship success. The key is wanting the same things (shared values or "couple goals") in the relationship and doing the work to achieve the shared vision. Not sure where to start? Check out my 5 tips below to get your relationship on the path to recovery after an affair.
5 tips to recover from infidelity:
Both partners genuinely want to reconcile.
Ground rules and boundaries are established. The Betrayer takes responsibility without oversharing, while the Betrayed refrains from acting out inappropriately.
The couple discusses the fundamentals--what commitment, exclusivity, and desired relationship values mean to each of them. Are they willing to challenge old biases and reconcile differences here in order to move forward?
The couple candidly, and without blame, discusses how they got here. In other words, what are the core issues in the relationship? Can they be resolved? Remember, blame and retaliation is counterproductive to the relationship's future.
The couple discusses what they each want out of the relationship and what needs to change. Change is necessary for reconciliation; a new relationship agreement should be co-created based on these changes and shared values.
Looking for more specific guidance on solutions? For full access to this topic with real world examples and actionable tools you can use in your relationship, go deeper with The Study, Balanced Man's guided coaching pathway to sexual growth. If you’re ready to go all the way, consent to our 1x1 coaching sessions to achieve sexual excellence and become your best, most authentically masculine self. If you aren’t ready for a commitment, join the play party for access to Confessions, a collection of Balanced Man's fondest sexual stories and The Tip, our weekly discussions to inform and inspire your inner Casanova. You can also follow Balanced Man on LinkedIn.