Understanding Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction has happened to everyone at one point or another. It’s game time, anticipation and excitement build, and then it happens–you go soft. After this happens once or twice and the anxiety loop starts, the reality is that all the Viagra and Cialis in the world cannot fix the root cause. You may not realize it but your mind is the problem. Not your physical brain, but rather the impact anxiety is having on your body. The surprising news is that you can actually resolve this physical issue by being more in your body. Once you learn to do this, as well as incorporate some stimulation training, you will arrive at your next partnered scene with more confidence. In this article, I will provide background on what is happening in your body to cause erectile dysfunction, and offer training exercises as well as real time strategies so you’re ready to play.
erectile dysfunction and the body
It’s important to mention that erectile dysfunction can be a result of an underlying medical condition so always speak with your doctor. For the purposes of this article however, I’m focusing on the relationship between stress/anxiety and erectile dysfunction. As Daniel Lebowitz explains in his informative webinar on understanding erectile dysfunction (see attached clip), stress can trigger a fight or flight response. When the body is in this mode, your blood will pool only to the most essential organs–you can guess which body part this does not include. It also causes your muscles to tense up which traps blood flow in your pelvic floor and restricts blood flow to your erection. When your body is in this state it’s virtually impossible to maintain an erection. And once it happens it’s hard to avoid worrying about a repeat incident which is why ED is often a reflection of an ongoing anxiety loop. Let’s talk about how to get out of this pattern and go from a stressed fight or flight to a relaxed feed and breed state.
retraining your nervous system
Retraining your nervous system has positive health implications well beyond managing erectile dysfunction. Doing so can impact the quality and longevity of your life so adopting these techniques is one of the most important decisions you can make for your overall health. Breathwork and progressive muscle relaxation are two of the most recommended tools, but before I dive into those I want to add two other practices which have served me well in stress management and overall life integration–slowing down and self awareness. While it seems counterproductive, the most successful people I know have an intentional practice of unplugging and taking the time to be present. Without slowing down, there is not time to even get to breathwork or progressive muscle relaxation exercises. We also cannot be present and connected when rapidly moving to the next goal. So do yourself a favor and slow down when you can, even for a moment. While you’re at it, work on developing self knowledge in the form of a neutral observer. I agree with the saying that the majority of growth happens with simple self observation–when we start to notice, the patterns shift. Both of these practices help us build awareness in our bodies which is the foundation for retraining the nervous system.
Breathwork is an amazing tool that has the ability to immediately transform us into a more relaxed state, while releasing physical tension from our bodies. For example, it’s likely impossible to have a panic attack while taking full belly breaths with a long exhale. You can try it anytime by inhaling through the nose and exhaling out of the mouth. I find a 5-3-7 second inhale-hold-exhale to be my most effective relaxation technique but everyone is different so practice finding the right pattern for you. Regardless, just closing your eyes and focusing on your breath for a few minutes will always create a shift.
If you can’t sit still long enough for breathwork, progressive muscle relaxation is a great tool for slowing down and shifting us toward relaxation. You simply close your eyes and tense then release each area of your body (see attached clip for detailed demonstration) with a focus on your pelvic floor at each release to encourage blood flow.
training exercises
Despite the cultural shame behind it, masturbation is incredibly healthy. I go deeper into its vast benefits in my article in The Study, but managing erectile dysfunction happens to be one of them. I’m talking about masturbation training, which cannot only help improve awareness within your body, but also help improve your partnered sex and increase the number and strength of your erections if you pay attention. Ready to apply yourself? Here are two helpful exercises you can try next time you are engaging in solo play.
Practice starting, slowing down, stopping, shifting positions, shifting your grip–basically anything that tends to cause an erection challenge when engaged with a partner. In this exercise you are intentionally losing your erection, then stimulating yourself back so you can be more confident in recovery during sex with your partner.
Maximize comfort. Pay attention to environmental influences so you can create an ambiance for undistracted intimacy. Other environmental challenges can arise from standard preparations such as lube availability and using a condom. For example, Lebowitz’s suggestion to practice putting on a condom during masturbation to create more comfort with the transition makes a lot of sense.
The practice of visualization is getting a lot of attention in recent years through self help techniques and books like The Secret. Regardless of how you feel about the validity of such ideas, let’s review a visualization exercise that simply serves as practice for partnered sex. Ideally while masturbating (to create an accurate simulation), think through a real life relaxing and comfortable sexual experience with your partner. Start at the beginning and go through every single detail while maintaining steady breathing and focusing on your senses. Lead your partner through the scene with confidence and passion; be sure to take your time with her. If tension arises, slow down, introduce deep breathing, and shift your mindset from performance to pleasure by focusing on what feels good in this moment of play with your partner. Note the challenge areas for later so you can address them in practice (masturbation) and be confident for game day (sex with your partner).
That’s What She Said
Now that you understand some of the causes and practical solutions for treating erectile dysfunction, you can show up ready for action. Life does happen though, and it’s impossible to effectively manage stress 24/7. That’s why it’s always good to have an in-the-moment gameplan to help you bring your best.
5 rock solid tips to help with erectile dysfunction:
Minimize alcohol intake. 1 drink to relax is enough.
Practice eye gazing and couples breathing with your partner. Both make women feel more connected.
Take your time. Slow down and take in the moment through your senses. I guarantee she will find this sexier than a race to the finish.
Utilize the paintbrush technique. Brushing your tip around her vulva feels great and can help relieve some of the pressure you may be feeling.
Shift to your own experience versus obsessing about hers. It sounds selfish, but when you focus on pleasure over performance and stop guessing about what you cannot control, the rest falls into place.
Looking for more specific guidance on solutions? For full access to this topic with real world examples and actionable tools you can use in your relationship, go deeper with The Study, Balanced Man's guided coaching pathway to sexual growth. If you’re ready to go all the way, consent to our 1x1 coaching sessions to achieve sexual excellence and become your best, most authentically masculine self. If you aren’t ready for a commitment, join the play party for access to Confessions, a collection of Balanced Man's fondest sexual stories and The Tip, our weekly discussions to inform and inspire your inner Casanova. You can also follow Balanced Man on LinkedIn.