DECONSTRUCTING sexual desire disconnect
The #1 reason couples seek sex therapy is desire discrepancy, or Sexual Desire Disconnect. Considering the trend, it’s surprising that most of what we find on the topic is focused on the female as the root of the problem, along with her implied naturally lower libido. This misunderstanding does both parties a disservice and backs the couple into a sexual corner. It’s no wonder so many couples get stuck there. Thankfully, there are sex researchers like Dr. Emily Nogaski, author of the best selling book Come As You Are, who are here to help us better understand female desire. Let’s review some takeaways from her work and start the conversation to normalize natural male/female desire differences. I’ll provide some helpful strategies to bridge the gap, navigate your relationship out of that corner, and lead your woman into erotic bliss.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Desire does not always just “arrive”. When it does, it’s referred to as spontaneous desire, defined as desire which emerges in anticipation of the pleasure of sex. When it doesn’t, and desire instead emerges in response to the pleasure of sex, we call this responsive desire. Both are perfectly normal; in fact, responsive desire is how many couples in long term relationships structure their sex lives. The main difference is the level of stimulation required, with spontaneous desire needing less and responsive desire needing more. This is not to be confused with just going for it; instead, it’s about creating a context that makes pleasure easy. Think of context in this example as creating the right ambiance. What does your partner need to feel sexy? Attention or words of affirmation, some help with responsibilities, a thoughtful gift, a relaxing massage from you? If your partner has a responsive desire style, the key to unlocking it is creating an environment of pleasure so she is positively stimulated and ready for your stimulation. Goodbye desire discrepancy.
Accelerators and Brakes
I won’t go into much detail here on the informative concepts of accelerators and brakes, but for simplicity, think of your woman’s accelerator being her turn ons and her brakes being her turn offs. They are not only surface level, but can be deep seeded issues going back to childhood when her sexuality was forming. It’s important to communicate with your partner and be aware of her sexual history and corresponding accelerators and brakes. Doing so enables you to be a more responsive partner and helps create the context needed to positively trigger her accelerator and unlock her desire.
Context Matters in sexual desire disconnect
At a high level, context is simply what’s going on in our lives. Life changes with increased responsibility and stress such as moving in together, having children, or a high profile job create changes in context and often a corresponding change in sexual desire style. Don’t worry, shifts from a spontaneous to responsive style are normal–this does not mean the death of desire. It simply means she needs your help creating the right context to make pleasure easy and to trigger her responsive desire. You can do this by creating that fun extra step between a typical day and sex such as intellectual foreplay or building anticipation. A sexy transition if you will, based on your woman’s initiation preference. Have the conversation with her and discuss how to create the right environment that pumps her accelerator.
That’s What She Said
Let’s stop buying into the false narrative that spontaneous desire is normal and something is wrong with your woman if she no longer operates that way. Now that you understand there are two different desire styles, everyone has a set of accelerators and brakes, and context is everything, you are ready to create the right stimulation to lead her into pleasure.
5 helpful desire discrepancy tips you can put into practice to unlock her desire:
Identify yours and your partner’s desire styles
Discuss each of your brakes and accelerators
Understand shifts in context that have occurred in your lives and whether they have caused a change in desire style for you or your partner
Collaborate with your partner on how to create a sexy context
Learn techniques for mitigating stress, the enemy of desire
Looking for more specific guidance on solutions? For full access to this topic with real world examples and actionable tools you can use in your relationship, go deeper with The Study, Balanced Man's guided coaching pathway to sexual growth. If you’re ready to go all the way, consent to our 1x1 coaching sessions to achieve sexual excellence and become your best, most authentically masculine self. If you aren’t ready for a commitment, join the play party for access to Confessions, a collection of Balanced Man's fondest sexual stories and The Tip, our weekly discussions to inform and inspire your inner Casanova. You can also follow Balanced Man on LinkedIn.